Of Puzzles: and Prayers

Part 2! ... again.

Remember way back when I posted about

Take Care of Spiritual Things First
I have found that before things can get better, before your life pulls it self together or "heals, there is a spiritual healing. Before this happens, things generally get pretty bad.

To start at the beginning, do you remember when I posted about starting to read However Long and Hard the Road by Elder Jeffery R Holland? Well, it turns out that whenever there was something I needed to hear, it was Elder Holland who said it. Even if it was a quote on Pinterest or in a class. There was just something about his words that was so spot on, it became a rather profound phenomenon.
I kept getting the idea to write to him. However, that's just weird. I had nothing special to say. And it's weird.
I put this off for a long time (months and months), and it kept coming. Another big way of holland helps came. It got to the point where I felt like he was a good friend of mine; telling me what I need to hear in a way that I will hear it. I decided to at least write the letter, expressing the sentiment. (Even though it's weird) I still wasn't sure if I was going to send the letter when I looked for the mailing address. I found it only because of some bitter angry person. It was at this point I knew I was going to send it come hell or high water. That's my friend! And if he's getting hate mail, he could use some kindness.
I sent it before General Conference and forgot about it.

A couple weeks later, I started having questions. Ridiculous questions. My testimony was beginning to waiver for no apparent reason. I was studying and praying everyday. I wasn't doing anything bad. This only add to the frustration. The sight of the temple still brought this bright home-like feeling. I knew that was true. But I was questioning pretty much everything else. (This became evident when someone started questioning me on the truthfulness of temples. I was able to honestly I had doubts but I was firmly certain of temples.) things get worse before they get better. Probably because of opposition.

I wanted to know. I needed to know. I fasted. Nothing happened that entire day. That night, I asked again. While praying I got a song stuck in my head, so I listened to it while washing my face. I happened to turn the water off at the exact moment a line was said. It impacted me so deeply, it had to have been just the song saying those things.
My first thought the next day was "So... is God real?" I shuffled my music while getting ready. You know when you're not paying attention to a sung and you suddenly tune it? Well I was thinking about how if there is God, then I have no hope. Then what would be the point of everything? My brain suddenly, almost violently, went to the music.

"So when you're heart's on fire/ But you know your desire/ Don't hold a glass over the flame/ Don't let your heart grow cold/ I will call you by name/ I will share your road" (Mumford & Sons "Hopeless Wanderer")

I guess my name is music. Someone was obviously trying to reach me. (Funny enough, this isn't the first time music has played an instrumental part in my personal conversion.) I wish I could explain the feeling. It happens way down where you can't reach it and surrounds you as if you could breath it and wear it.
My faith wasn't perfected in that moment, but there was a spark, and I wasn't going to hold a glass over it. There was still confusion, frustration, and so much noise.
Slowly, ever so slowly, it continues to grow.
(Watch the movie only if you are daring. 4 comics spoofing on genre music videos)

A couple days later I got a letter. A letter form The Church of Jesus Christ of Letter-Day Saints: The Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. Was I in trouble?
I had almost forgotten about having written to Elder Holland. He wrote back! I was not expecting that! It was short. It was simple. It was powerful.
Wow! It packed the spirit! I never get tired of reading it and I feel the spirit just as strong every time. In it he promises that things will get better. Oh, have they ever!

When an apostles makes you a promise, you can count on it.

I also want to share that I know God is generous in his love and forgiveness. If you know me or have read this blog, you know He and I are no strangers to each other.
Imagine it like this. You slave to make the perfect feast for someone. All their favorites with some new and utterly delicious dishes! Can you imagine it? Then when the table has been finished and you asked how it was they say "What dinner? I don't remember any food." I know some people would never invite that guest ever again. However, the Lord is not some people. If you do so much as realize there is a table in front of you, He will bring you desserts.
I am completely shocked, awed, and surprised by Him.

"Our heavenly Father is more liberal in His views, and boundless in his mercies and blessings, than we are ready to believe or receive." (Joseph Smith Jr)
It was a week after this musical epiphany and letter that my grandmas suggested the doctor. They have told me they weren't so sure, but both had the same thought at the same time and went ahead with it.

Remember how the doctor asked me what I love and I said "Music?"

After just the first session, I got a text from a friend to have lunch with her. I have seen scarcely anyone outside my family for the past year. No friends, because I'm too sick for them, and they have busy lives. After just two sessions with the doctor, I was able to laugh with her harder than I have in a long long long long long long long time. I was able to laugh without repercussions.

Also after the first session, my mom walked into my room. She had an envelope in one hand and was obviously trying to suppress excitement. In the envelope were too tickets to my second favorite band!
(Okay, for me to have a favorite anything is a big deal. They are a very very close second. I hold to number one for loyalty reasons) She had briefly mentioned to her friend I loved them, but that I was probably too sick to go. Her friend surprised both of us with free tickets.

This for me was a big big deal. It took about 20 minutes for it to actually sink in. I kept thinking "But this is real life! This only happens in movies! My life isn't a movie!" I might have cried.

This post has no pictures because I'm writing before heading to the concert. Who knows what will happen there!

Healing, true healing, comes from the inside out. I promise you, everyone who is struggling, or even if life is good, it will get better.
You can bank on it.

Shocked, grateful, and awed,
Me.

P.S.
I encourage you to listen and enjoy all of the Bastille acoustic songs. You have my permission to cry.

Ether 12:4- Anchors Part 2

Sorry! Sorry! I know, it's another two parter. (Especially since it's another to do with the last part one. You'll just have to wait.) I just really feel like this needs to be revisited.

Anchors of Testimony

Epiphany
By James C Christensen

After the last post about anchors, I gained a new addition to my personal library. I highly recommend "Passage By Faith" By James C Christensen for everyone. It's been a game changer for me. It's an art-book that changes every time you go through it. Well, it doesn't change, but your perspective does.
Why I love this book is how it articulates thoughts, feeling, concepts, and experiences so well. Its all communicated through art and words. There have been few times I've read through one of his experiences and thought "You too! That perfectly describes what happens to me!" I understand myself a little better for the time spent with Bro. Christensen.

I bring this book up because of a thought he shares in relation to the art piece, "Epiphany".If you happen to see this book at a friends house, pick it up and find the story (page 9). He explains an experience in which he felt a revelation while taking out the trash. It was a Wednesday night and he was suddenly filled with love and light and warmth. (You've felt this too, no? I can remember when I've felt this very clearly.)

I heard these moments referred to once as anchors (perhaps general conference or elsewhere in Passage of Faith). They are anchors we experience every now and then, perhaps for no reason at all, that serve as spiritually, emotionally, and quite literally. They are reminders of God's love and personal awareness. I have felt them with revelation, as well as for no reason at all. I really wish I could find where I found it!

What I find most fascinating about this anecdote is that the paint has multiple layers of gold leaf and gold paint that cannot be captured by camera. They must be experienced in person. The moments are the same. We can listen and share and watch and read, but the true aesthetic comes when living in it.


You may take a pause here. Stretch your legs. Get some water. Take a bathroom break. Or perhaps just sit for a while and ponder anchors you have felt.


Because her comes two more examples of how hope and the gospel of Jesus Christ are anchors, respectively.

"Sometimes The Spirit Touches Us Through
Our Weaknesses"
James C Christensen

"It's the storm that will pass, not you." (A musical I can't remember)
Once upon a time, I went on a mission. Surprise! On the way to the MTC, my brother asked me if I had any questions. I didn't know where to begin! The only problem was that I didn't know what it was that I did not know. (Mull it over a bit, you'll understand.) So I shrugged, and he laughed. Just before the door opened he told me that teachers wouldn't speak English for the first three days. That was the last word of advice I got before embarking on my mission.
He was right! The teachers spoke only Croatian. Some missionaries really struggled with this to the point of almost giving up. I was lucky and was totally unhindered. I knew it would happen and not to worry about it.

Dr Ashleigh (my new doctor) told me that as I was recovering I would have good days and bad days. The good days meant my body was healing and the bad days are when my body can't quite pull it together. I didn't have a bad day until this week, and it was bad. However frustrating and awful it was, I was somehow okay.

With both of these examples, there isn't really a way to prepare. I knew it was going to happen but not how. Similarly, life with the gospel is the same way. We are told trails and challenges will come. We don't know when, how, or what they will be, but we know they will come. Just as my brother promised, as the doctor promised, and as Christ promises, these trails end.

"After Clouds, Sun"
James C Christensen

Knowing this does not make the storm any less wet, but when we think the storm will never end or that we will be washed away we have our anchors. Faith is believing the sun shines behind the clouds. Hope is believing we will see it again and feel it's warmth. Faith includes hoping in the flora that will come from the rain.

When we begin to think there is no end to life's storms, we can trust and believe in Christ. He will anchor us against the winds and bring to pass our eternal springs and summers.

If you ever need to feel that anchor, I encourage you to get on your knees and ask. I know now that the Lord is generous in showering His love and answers. I promise you He will answer.
I say this in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.





Stay tune for...
Part 2 Of Puzzles and Prayers
What I believe is the last installment of this Ether 12:4 series (I still want to hear your insights on this verse)

Of Puzzles: a Health Update

This will be in two parts. Even though the first part came chronologically second, I'm still debating on if I want share the second part. Sorry!

Credit: National Geographics

After trying to put puzzle pieces together for a long time with nothing coming together, you flip the table over in frustration only to find the pieces fall perfectly in place.

If you're like me, you stand there staring at the puzzle while the occurrence sinks in. "But this is real life. That doesn't happen in real life." My life isn't a movie. My life is real, and movies are not. This is why it's important to have your own experiences.

By the by, we're 80% sure what's wrong with me.

My grandmas (close family friends, but we claim them and they claim us) suggested a doctor to me. After ending it with the last doctor, we've been getting a few suggestions. If you ever find yourself in the land of medical-ness, I wish you the best of luck. We tried getting into these doctors but couldn't get an appointment. (There's either a flaw in phones or receptionists. Let's blame phones.) Which my regular medical doctors, it could be 3 months before there's an opening. We had an appointment with the doctor my grandmas suggested in less than a week. (Props to her phone!) I was super skeptical though.

A chiropractor? Really? The last thing I wanted was someone sitting on my back. What on earth could she do for me? The only comment that came with the suggestion is "She's gentle". Still didn't mean anything to me.
One of my major concerns is that I wanted to treat the cause, not the symptoms. I want to get to the bottom of this! I can't live like this- a life like this is not living.

I went to the appointment SUPER skeptical. I have respect for my grandmas though, so I went to humor them and my mom. The first thing I'm told is to take everything I know about chiropractics and put it in a box. This doctor was only interested in treated the cause. Cool! Me too!

We talk about my novel of a health record, what we've found out so far, and all that jazz. I've never been in an accident or broken a bone. We decide to find a cause starting from birth. I guess it wasn't anything too eventful or exciting since I can't remember it. She asked my mom and got pretty much the same answer. No problems. "Where there forceps?" "Yeah, there would have been forceps." (That's something I didn't know.) "That's the problem!"
What?
She explained all her young patients who come in had a c-section or forceps at birth. This causes strain on the neck as it's pulled and shreds up fragile fibers within the body. From the get-go, your body is already trying to compensate.
She did a simple exam. Turns out there is a whole inch of difference between my legs! Most people at that point are given inserts. My case, of course, would be different. My weight is mostly on my left size.

Credit: Sebastian Eriksson Self Portrait

Next up, x-rays. This revealed how truly contorted my body is. Terribly! It also reveals an extremely important factor. The atlas, the very first vertebra within the skull, is so far off in the wrong spot that it's crushing my brain stem. My neck curves the wrong way. My spine is a mess!
Why is that important? It's cutting of my nerves, one of the major ones being the vegas nerve. The vegas nerve is in charge of the heart, lungs, and stomach. It would be why I respiratory issues, and why my heart freaks out.

I read some papers she sent home with me, one of which is a chart with symptoms and the related section of the spine. So many things are explained, dating back to preschool and elementary school! She wasn't kidding when she said it was something from birth.

It was such a simple thing, yet it took us so long to find it. The treatment is adjustment of the atlas, which means a gentle message behind my ears. I've had 3 session and feel SO much better!

Why now? Why did it not become so severe until Serbia? It's something that builds up until your body says "Dosta mi je!" and gives in on itself. It could have been my extremely heavy and unbalanced bag, the stresses of missionary life, or it was just time.

As exciting as all of this is, it's only the picture of the puzzle. The circumstances surrounding it, the tipping of the table and the falling together, is what makes me sit down and really look and rejoice in it.
But that is part 2.

Part 2 is possibly still in process. 

Oh Hello Metaphor: Glaciers

We take you from your prescheduled program of Ether 12:4.

I just like to start out by saying that I know God's hand is in all things. From our prayers, right down to the documentaries we watch.

I'm going to break this up into 3 parts. Part 1) Glaciers. Part 2) Metaphor 1. Part 3) Metaphor 2. Then  you may return to your day.

I've found a new love in documentaries. I have been enjoying the NOVA variety. Fractals! Midget submarines! Evolution of dogs! I love it! Every now and then, one comes up that I think will not be so excited, and then I'm proven wrong. I love it! One of these was Glaciers.

Glaciers
The part I want to focus on is this phenomenon of vanishing lakes. Glaciers are spotted with lakes varying in size. In the summertime, these lakes vanish overnight. It was assumed that the water was simply absorbed into the surrounding ice. However, it was discovered the lakes where going down a hole to the bedrock. The water then acted as a lubricant, moving the glacier to the water where it would break apart.

Doubt and Questions
A day or two later, I was thinking about these lakes for no real reason and it suddenly occurred to me! This is why it's so important to address questions and doubts!

The brethren have always been clear in their encouragement to ask questions. If you have doubts, don't let them get under your skin and dislodge your testimony. (See what I did there?) These water parts can be used to strengthen and grow like the mass of a glacier or lead us to a watery demise. Don't ignore!

Kindness
Now we will liken the glacier to an icy disposition. Often, our kind acts or encouraging words, even words of testimony, will seem to have no effect. Even to the glacier, they will just come and pass. But theses things gather and work upon the icy surface until it is moved. They work from the inside out.

And this is when I was knocked off my feet in realization of how the Lord's hand is really in everything. It's wonderful.

You may be asking, how can one metaphor represent both good and bad? Simply this: opposition in all things. Another way to put this is that there are types and shadows in all things. Or as Sir Newton put "Each action has an opposite and equal reaction." Take your pick!

This is what I came up with. What parallels come to your mind? I want to know what metaphors you have come across recently. I really do! I'm kind of a nerd about these things.

I want to end with my testimony that I know God is reaching out for us always. He speaks in ways we understand. Are you listening?

P.S.
I re-found this talk a week after posting this. Elder Larry S Kacher, "Trifle Not With Sacred Things"

Ether 12:4 - Anchor to the Souls

 4 Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God.

This may be my favorite part of this verse. Yes, there have been many talks and what-not, but this is what the phrase means to me.

Hope is often viewed as a characteristic of the "flighty". These dreamers and believers are often referred as having their "head in the clouds."

But they don't! Hope makes an anchor. Those who hope are grounded and "down to earth". They have a solid grasp.

Think of the function of an anchor. The ship at sea with it's anchor weighed. The waves come and it sways and it moves, but it remains rooted. The other ships may laugh at this proportionally small chain and object. But this ship doesn't get lost. It may move, but never is lost.

This movement, although anchored, is fantastic. It means we can still move around and explore without getting lost or off course.

How does hope make an anchor? It's a hard concept to get your hands around, and, to be honest, it requires experimentation and application to truly understand. It's an experience. It's felt but not seen. Like an anchor in the water!

Let's take the boat and replace it with a person. This person hopes for an ideal. Maybe it's a career, a relationship, or a state of being. They're trucking along towards their goal, but lo! What's this? A metaphorical wave! It's a setback! It's lack of progress! It's neigh-sayers and doubts! Will this person be whisked out to the Dark Sea of So Called Realists?
To be continued...

Just kidding. It depends on whether or not the person has hope. Do you remember sometime when you felt down and out and a memory or person gives you just a bit of hope? Remember how that hope sparked and sputtered but gave off light anyways? Maybe they reminded you of your dream. Maybe they shared their anchor with you, which I have experienced many times. *coughcough* Mom *coughcough* (Also looking at you, friends, family, and teachers.) If this person has hope, then they can exercise faith by continuing to sail through without top-sizing, not matter how much they may waver. If there is no hope, they drift off and become lost in the storm we call life. They might burnout or just not try for any improvement.
This can result in a lost hope becoming a cringing pain instead of a beacon. "That'll never happen to me."

Hope is an anchor to the soul.
The deepest part of you. If your soul doesn't drift, you won't drift. Your mind may reel and your heart may doubt, but in your soul, your heart of hearts, you are anchored.

Remember our friend John Adams? You know, they driving bullheaded force behind independence? What would have happened if he had no hope? What if he was cynic who tossed between the waves of life? Life would be very different nowadays. He used his anchor to help others remain anchored.

Have you felt that anchor in your life? Is it time for you to weigh the anchor? Have you even used the anchor of another or used your anchor to help someone else?

One last thought on this line: There are many other boats there. If we drift off course, we may become caught between them. Have you ever watched objects floating in waves? They tend to congregate. If you get stuck amongst other boats, you may become subject to their direction. You just kind of float where they float. If you become anchored to them, you can become very lost. If you anchor in the ground (as anchors are suppose to), the other boats may float around and away, but you are still secured.

My advise is this, secure yourself in a firm foundation. Hope in Christ. Firm, unmoving, and equally (if not more) invested in you. 

Ether 12:4 - Hope Cometh of Faith

 4 Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God.

One of the most common comments I hear from others after reading this verse is "Oh, I always thought of it the other way round."

This could be answered simply by saying "Well the gospel is just funny like that." But lets be honest. That doesn't answer anything. As was touched up (okay... borderline ranted. I don't want to beat the figurative dead horse) faith is pretty much trust.
There are SO many scriptures that explain faith and hope. My suggestion would be to start with Preach My Gospel, Chapter 6, sections Faith and Hope. I could tell you all that I have learned through my study, but what I learned most is that it was all stuff that I might have heard or read before, it's something that I needed to be taught, in my own language (learning language, that is), in order to really understand. It has opened up not only new doors, but a new world to me. I urge you to take the time to study these two topics.

It's hard to imagine hope without faith, and faith without hope.

I believe hope without faith is called "wishing". I've seen this phenomenon in other people as well as myself. In Alma 32, Alma is teaching a group of really poor people. He is explaining faith to them, and how it differs from knowledge. (It really is an incredible chapter! I learn new things every time I read it, and I have read it MANY times.) He explains that if you have a complete knowledge of a thing, you no longer need to believe it so your faith is then dormant.
Sometimes, we let our faith go dormant a little too soon. We say "Oh yeah, I hope the world becomes better." "I hope little Jimbo figures out his life." but we may not have faith in those things.

What about faith without hope? Moroni says you can't have such a thing. If there was, what would it look like? Hard to think of, eh? How about when we have faith in God, but not ourselves? When a missionary has faith in the power of the spirit, but no hope in their own proficiency? The have faith faith that so-and-so will come to church, but that the result may vary?

"Hope cometh of faith." In modern language, "Hope comes from faith." This is true. In my first example (two paragraphs up), I referred to it as "wishing". It's something that happens in word, but not in the mind or heart. That hope is merely figurative.

When we have faith in Christ and his Atonement, we cannot help but hope for a better world and a better life. When we faith in God's love, we have hope in ourselves and those around us.

It's a simple phrase, a small part of the verse, but it means a lot. Hope can carry us through the darkest of times and roughest of roads. What good is walking through the desert if the desert never ends? Hope is the oasis's that lead to Disneyand, or Hawaii, or whatever you see as a never ending paradise.

It comes from trusting that voice inside. The one that says God knows what He's doing. That there is good in everyone, including you. That there is help ahead. That there is happiness, and it is obtainable to you in this life. When trails come, it says "You can do it!" and you will survive for the better.


If you have nothing else to hope for, you can always hope in Christ, in a loving Heavenly Father, and in eternal peace with them. If you need help, pray for it. I promise you God will answer. He always does, and He always will.












To share a personal experience with this, I may need you to humor me. I use to have a rather grim look on relationships, at least the ones available to me. Wether it be friends, teachers, or whatever. I never thought I could obtain one of those really good ones. I even did the ultimate sin of buying into stereotypes and my own presumptions. I know! How un-21st century of me. I did think the relations might exist, just not for me. Not in the brooding shadow in the corner kind of way, it just never occurred to me. I'm awkward, goofy, loud, and have spent a really good portion of my life alone. My school friends rarely last longer than a semester, and the few friends I had in grade school were not very good to me (although I didn't mind at the time). That isn't to say there haven't been good loving people in my life. There have been! I am indeed blessed with the love of family and good neighbors. I can even name them off!

Artist Credit: David B

So I'm sitting in an empty classroom with my companion. My world is already being rocked in the best of ways. I love everyone around me, and they love me! I feel so comfortable in my own skin and I belong. I have an unbelievably perfect partner-in-MTC (no crimes on the mission) who is also studying in the same room. In order to be the best companion in return and be a better missionary, I decide to study Chapter 6 of Preach My Gospel, Christlike Attributes.
So the room is quiet. The spirit is there. I'm writing notes down and studying like mad. Then I noticed a common theme. "Faith is hope in things which are not seen which are true."
It hit me all at once like a pillow in the face. Things which are not seen which are true. Like other the kindness and love in others. This became a prevailing motto for me. Whenever I start getting down on myself or doubtful or wishful, I would remember to hope in that unseen thing.
You would think I would be prepared for miracles, right? I'm hoping and expecting what are miracles to me. Nope. I was still surprised daily by the love shown to me by others. Someone brought me strawberries, because they remembered I once said I like them. Someone else wrote me a kind note with a friendship rope-bracelet thing. A teacher said something nice. Someone tackled me with a hug while I was in bed. This may seem like really small things to you, and they didn't think twice about it, but it meant the world to me. There are a few that I still never got to know or talk to, but it's okay. It did not hold matter to me. I now knew what life could hold and became excited by the future. I was so excited to love everyone I came in contact with.

On this same note, I think it was Elder Scott who said, "The children of Father in Heaven can do amazing things when they feel trusted." You you believe in the unseen potential in others, you are opening your life to surprises.

Faith and hope. Study the word. Share the word. Spread the word. Be the word.

Quick One: Apostles at my Baptism

I take this week as a break from Ether 12:4. I don't want you to get sick of it yet. Also I've had a cold. So please enjoy this quick story that I just remembered just now.

Once upon a time... I turned 8. Plot twist! I know!
In my church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Later Day Saints, ili Crkva Isusa Krista Svetaca Posljednjih Dana, turning 8 means you get to choose if you want to be baptized. We call it the age of accountability.

My mom would occasionally ask me questions about the program, such as what my favorite primary songs were, who should do the baptizing, and who I wanted there. Naturally, I wanted the Prophet and apostles there. Bless my mom's heart, she said "We'll see. They're busy, but we'll see."

I even wrote a letter to them, telling them about the plans and inviting them to come. I never sent it, but I wrote it. I also told some people that we were going to see if they could come.

I turned 8 on the 5th and had the baptism on the 7th. The big day came. I woke, washed up, and donned my brand new pioneer-esque with dress, complete with apron, that my mom's friend had made for me. I went to my best friend's house so her mom could do my hair. It was my first time ever having french braids! She even weaved a special fabric flower into my hair that had on my wrist at my baby blessing.

I can remember being in the font and seeing the faces above me. I can remember the sound of rushing water as I dipped back and the bubbles that seemed to come around my head. Then I got out of my wet jumpsuit and into my dress. Some people spoke, although I can't remember what was said. I think Gordon Lasson was there and made a comment on how I was dressed and ready long before my dad and how it was because he probably had to dry his hair. My dad was and still is bald. I still don't know what took him so long.

My grandma then got up to speak. She's not "really my grandma" but my "adopted grandma". She's my grandma. She was one of the people whom I had told my prestigious invitation list to.

Before speaking, she went over to the black board and put up pictures of the prophet and all the apostles. She explained she did this so they could be there for my baptism.
But was that good enough for 8 yr old me?
You bet it was!

And that's how I had apostles and the prophet at my baptism. The end.



(Check back here for en exclusive picture from my baptism)