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"July 2, 2013 - Happy Birthday Bryn!

 I like who I am becoming. I feel safe and confident in the path that I am headed down. Heavenly Father sure knows what he is doing, because I certainly do not."

I originally was just going to stick my favorite MoTab song up here and call it good. Then I looked up a video my trainer told me to watch. And I realized they connected. And they are always relevant.

This song means a lot to me for many reasons. It's a heartfelt plead. It's the deep wishes. This is also the best rendition of this song. It terms of hymns, Wayfaring Man of Grief (also known as The Stranger) has a tune that all are endeared to. However, in the marriage of music and lyrics, I believe nothing beats Come Thou Fount.

I heard this while in Serbia and it hit me that this is my song! Especially the second verse. Here I raise my ebenezer, also known as an ensign. It's like staking your claim or declaring. That's what I was doing as a missionary! Raising my flag for all of Novi Sad to glance at.
Hither by thy  help I've come. Nearer My God to Thee? I Need Thee Every Hour? God's hand was always evident to me. Sometimes as profound as a stranger turned dear friend. I read my MTC journal and found all these remarkable, yet small, instances that mean the world to me. A smile. A laughing. A secret waltz down the hallway with my best friend. Teachings from the spirit. Promptings that directed and healed.
And I hope, by thy good pleasure, safely to arrive at home. That's all I wanted. To serve an honorable mission by God and family would be proud of. And to do so safely.

Then I got sent home on sick leave. It would only take a couple weeks or so to get better, right?

By the time I finished watching this, I had a fun bouquet of emotions going on. I was laughing/smiling/crying/coughing/pensive/I'mACurrentBush! Although I knew the story, very well, hearing the whole things brought out something different. Do you know how strange it is to hear your exact thoughts come out of a bush?

That's EXCATLY how I felt! I loved who I was becoming. I was learning things I never would have learned otherwise at break neck speeds. I could see my potential and it was reachable. Then I got sick.

All of my brothers could have finished, how come I couldn't? (Noticed I said "How come" and not "Why") One of them told me before I left how proud he was of me. And he meant it. I have never heard him say it like that to me before. Another brother told me that it was my turn to make have my own adventures and make my own stories. This is something I have always wanted! I have always listened to my bothers tell their stories, and now it was my turn!
When all these great things were happening, how come it stopped?

Because I'm a current bush. I'm not my brothers. I'm not the other missionaries. I am Sestra Farnsworth. I am Aubrey. He has a plan for me.

Because God is the gardner. The quote in the beginning is from my MTC journal. God does know what He's doing, and I certainly do not. He is the gardener. I am a current bush. He cut me down to make me, well, me. He knows who I am and who I can be.

Because as the heart felt pleading of the song I sang so many times in English and Croatian, He is taking my heart. Taking it, and sealing it. And with His goodness like a fetter (it's a chain, for those of you who don't know), we are binding my wandering heart to Him. I am definitely prone to wander.

He is the gardener. He knows what He's doing.

 

My Mustached Dinosaur: My happy thought

Not many of you know this story. I told it to the senior sister in my area during my final days in Serbia. She heard I liked stories and wanted me to tell her one. What started out as a harmless, playful story turned into something a bit more personal. I call it my happy thought.

Once upon a time, there was a raccoon who visited the Land of the Dinosaurs. They were big and scary and roared all the time! This scared the little raccoon.
Being a smart raccoon, he brought a buddy with him. However, they somehow got separated. In the dinosaur feeding ground no less! Poor Raccoon was alone. The dinosaurs looked bigger and scarier than ever. They gnashed their teeth and almost stomped on Raccoon.
Just when Raccoon was about to cry, he heard a very kind rumble. It wasn't a gnash. It wasn't growl. Just a sweet welcoming roar.
He looked up to see a great big dinosaur with a very white mustache. Raccoon didn't speak dinosaur, and the White Mustached dinosaur didn't speak raccoonish very well. They eventually discovered that both speak goat.
The White Mustached Dinosaur found out Raccoon was from the Land of Cowboys. He always wished he could have a ten gallon hat. Raccoon wanted to learn how to speak dinosaur.
(Keep in mind I was trying to breathe during this. At this point I was NOT feeling well AT ALL) So the White Mustached Dinosaur and Raccoon became friends. Raccoon learned to roar, and White Mustached Dinosaur got his ten gallon hat and became a REAL cowboy.
The End.

So the real story of what really happened? I smile very time I think of it.

It was my first full day in working in Serbia. My trainer was showing my the landmark places as we passed out "bez platno" English class flyers. Each town has a place called "Centar". It's like their town square or strip mall. Novi Sad a beautiful one! You can find it by following the steeple of The Name of Mary church.

The Name of Mary Church. You don't have to be christian to be an answer to prayers. Prayers are answered in many different ways. It's like a surprise. It keeps life exciting.

So we went to Centar. I have never seen it so crowded since! We had already gone through a couple parks and down some random alleys. My trainer really wanted to show me these gypsy musicians that she thought were the bees knees! We found them in the thick of the roving people. I encouraged her to follow her desire to give them a flyer. I stayed and watched her weave through the crowd.
It was then that it hit me. No one knew where I was. No one even knew me. No one knew my fist name and people would get anxiety attacks trying to pronounce my last name! My friends and family didn't even know which country I was in! I felt very very very alone.

Centar at night. This was taken much later. 

It was then I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around and saw a smiling. laughing face. It was a man, his wife, and their dog that we talked to in a park. "Zdravo, my friend!" he laughed out.
I can not explain the joy that shot through me! It was pretty transcendent! The loneliness was forgotten. In that moment, I knew God was listen to my thoughts. I knew that even though I felt, and looked, alone, I was surrounded by those who deeply care about me. About how I feel. About what I was thinking. The timing was too perfect if you know what I mean. I knew that I was safe, that I was loved, that not only was God looking out for me, but that he cares, that I matter, and that He is SO aware. I suddenly understood the depth of the meaning of that word. Someone was aware of me. All of me.

His english was okay and my Serbian was in the works. So we settled on German. Turns out my German was replaced by Serbian, so I spoke Sermanglish. He laughed and nodded that he understood as I struggled through sentences. His wife smiled and laughed too. She'd roll her eyes when he asked me questions about cowboys. Both had greeted me as if I was an old friend of theirs.

To your usual english speaker, Serbian sound like their angry when they speak. We may make fun of Germans for the way they speak, but they sound gentle compared to your usual Serb. You'll think they're mad at you, when really they're talking about a cute little dog they saw. It's just the way they speak. I grew to love this very quickly!
Anyways, I knew when this lovely couple started talking to me that for some unknown reason, they loved me.

 When things got hard, I would think of them. These strangers who greeted me so warmly I almost cried. Unlike my story above, I only saw my mustached dinosaur once after that, when he came in to sign up for english classes. I prayed everyday I would see him. He came a couple times, but he would be gone by the time I finished with my classes.
To this day I still pray for him and his wife. I pray for the greatest thing I could wish for someone. Eternal happiness. To be sealed to your loved ones fro time and eternity, not just for this life. To find the joy that comes from truth. Not the proverbial kind, but when you can tangibly feel and know for yourself that there is a God, that He loves his children.

Znam da kroz Duha Svetoga možemo znati da je Mormonova Knjiga istitina i da je evanđelje istinito. Znam da smo djeca Božjia. Bog voli nas! Molila sam se i Bog je uslišao moju molitvu. Možete saznati se sebe ako čete se moliti i čitati svetu pismimu. Volim te!

So mothers, fathers, families, friends, and whomever else has a missionary in their heart, they're being taken care of. Down to the last insignificant detail.

I always smile when I think of my white mustached dinosaur. He's my happy thought!

God speed!

Surf This: a few things for you to check out.

I'm going to direct you over to two other blogs.

First, my blog (blogofaubrey.wordpress.com) has a wonderfully delicious recipe on it. I cried it was so good. I also cried from excitement! If you're feeling mission sick, or just plain old rotten, food can help you get back to feeling connected. I wouldn't have believed it if it hadn't happened to me.
No, this isn't emotional eating. Although that is a popular hobby in the mission field, this was my way of connecting with my beloved mission land. The recipe is quite different and it didn't taste as good, but it tasted good enough. It's like reliving a memory!
Don't believe me? Try it yourself. I might even make you some if you ask nicely.

Second, this is my friend's blog. She use to pay me to be her friend, but that's another story. She is an incredible human being! All who know her love her. She is sweet, genius, and down to earth. Pretty much, if someone like her gets a medical release, it can happen to anyone. I strongly encourage you to read it!

You can read it by clicking on this link.

I got to meet up with this friend for a little bit last week. A group of early return missionaries have started a pioneering group. Pioneer as in first of it's kind, not the trekking across the nation. One of them is from my mission! They meet on Thursday nights in Pleasant Grove, Utah. They call it an institute class for early return missionaries and their parents, but it's more like a bunch of crazy (in a good way) kids helping each other out. Like in the MTC! REmember those long hours pend with your district? It's like that. What an inspiring group of people! They're testimonies are strong and so is their faith. I'm very proud of them and the work they are doing. Atta go, kids!

They were featured on KSL. Follow this link to hear more about them. I met both of the ERMs featured. Kenzie is a friend of a friend and I briefly met her at TRC. Three of us (sisters from my mission) were present Thursday. Both those sisters are absolutely incredible!

There's enough here for you to ponder while I study for my next anatomy test. Happy surfing!

Vidimo se!

The Great Test

Life is kind of hard, don't you think?

I took a test last week. I got 64. 64 out of 100. You're probably thinking, "That sucks" or "You probably shouldn't be sharing that."

I also knew ahead of time that it's a hard class, which I think is why I was able to score so "high". I worked hard for this test! I spent almost 2 weeks of nothing but studying. (I never study on Sundays. I promised one of my brothers a few years ago I wouldn't.) I took a small reading break but besides that there was a lot of studying involved. All I got was a 64. That's barely over half.

What if I told you most people score about 45 or under? Changes things a little. As I mentioned, I knew ahead of time this would be a hard class. Lot's of people complain, saying the teacher should change his ways. (It has been said he is the toughest teacher on this subject in the west. I actually really like him.) It's Intro to Anatomy and Physiology. Don't understand? How would feel knowing your doctor's education was lax? It's a simple introduction class, but these are the basics. If he cheaped out on the basics, do you really want him working with you? I work with a lot of brilliant doctors on account of being a medical mystery myself. They are sharp, brilliant cookies! And they have to be. Health affects all aspects of your life.

But I'm getting off topic. What does this have to do with life? With being home on a medical release? Well, that test was hard! But it wasn't REALLY REALLY hard. It could have been. It could have been stressful. On a dramatic, slightly over-exaggerated level it could have been fatal.

I actually really enjoyed it. It was almost fun! Because I knew ahead of time it would be hard, I was able to just breeze through the test. I studied sufficiently enough that if I didn't know the answer, I didn't know it and moved on.

Life is that way. It can be hard, or it can be REALLY REALLY hard.

Heavens knows none of us are perfect. A seminary substitute teacher use to say, "Ain't nobody in this room been twinkled yet!" (twinkled: to be translated, made into a celestial being) If you look back at your life you will have no problem seeing how the gospel has made life easier for you. Simply knowing has an affect on trails. It makes your Everest seem like a sledding hill. If I didn't know this class was going to be so difficult, I would have freaked out, stressed out, and maybe even tapped out. The test would have been a very different experience, no doubt resulting in a lower score.

We make mistakes, but the atonement allows us to learn from them and move forward, getting a better score. The grading curb is individual! How great is that?!

The best part, life is an open book test.

Dobra Dan! Saratov and a Quote

My hands have been full with studying for an anatomy test.
I apologize.

So, Saratov Approach. It's about two missionaries. Two starješine in Russia. (By the way, Russia looks incredibly a lot like Serbia.) I finally saw it. The music is incredible. I have the music and I love listening to it. It will transform any and every moment.
The story is great! It's not like these silly little mormon movies we have all over the place. It's meaningful. It can be shared with people of all or no faith. Although I never got kidnapped while in Serbia, the movie still captured some of the important essences. The companions trying to make the best of their situation together, the neighbors who you talk to from your balcony, putting your faith in the Lord and in those you are with, and having that faith propel you through the day. Also! My favorite element of the mission are the "never before" moments. The things that have never happened before and the things you decided never could or would happen.

Go see it. Please.

Sad!

With that off my chest, I will share a recent spiritual thought. I ran into this sucker shortly after seeing the film. I was feeling down that I couldn't finish my mission because of some unknown illness that prevents me from walking up the stairs by myself, yet those two got to finish after getting kidnapped.
So these words hit especially hard. I might have cried.

"Please don't nag yourself with thoughts of failure...
Simply do what you can do in the best way you know how
and the Lord will accept your effort."
-Pres. Gordon B. Hinckley

I've heard the all the cute little sayings about how the devil will try to make you focus on the past and all that jazz. I guess there's just something about the Lord's Mouthpiece that cuts you to the very spot you need it to. I know the Lord speaks to His children through a living prophet. Although Pres. Hinckley is no longer alive, I know he was a true prophet of God.
I was pondering this quote in my mind. It dawned on me! It's all about repentance! Repentance means gaining a fresh perspective of yourself, God, others, and the world. In physics, it's the equal or opposite force acting on an object in motion. It redirects our course. This quote for me was my equal or greater force. Does this make sense?
I apologize. My thoughts often go faster than my hands and mouth, and I tend to make leaps (they're more like bridges, but bridges only I can see).
It doesn't matter what you have done. You repent and move on. What matters is what you can do. Which is the now. You can't change the past. Only make choices now. You move your motion in another direction. The Lord will help you know which direction to go. As long as you are doing good now, RIGHT NOW, then what you did in the past really doesn't matter.

As was said in Saratov Approach, "Light will overcome the darkness."

Questions? Concerns? Comments? I would love to hear them.

Love,
Your Ever Faithful Friend,
Aubrey

Music Spotlight: Savior, Redeemer of My Soul

I love this song. It's not sung very often in church, and the hymnal version is a little different than the one we are use to hearing. This song is played at the MTC about as often as If You Could Hie to Kolob (which is at LEAST once a week. One time we heard it 3 times in one day. Lucky us.)
I first became aware of this song while watching 17 Miracles. Simply put, it's powerful.
I think no one does the famous arrangement as the original performer, Dallyn Vail Bayles. Next to him is BYU's Vocal Point.
It was the Vocal Point version I was listening to (shamelessly on repeat) when one of the lines clicked with a new meaning. My favorite verse has always been the third.

1. 3. O'errule mine acts to serve thine ends.
   Change frowning foes to smiling friends.
   Chasten my soul till I shall be
   In perfect harmony with thee.
   Make me more worthy of thy love,
   And fit me for the life above.

"Change frowning foes to smiling friends" held new meaning (after about the 14th time listening). Maybe it clicked because I had talked to one of my friends about our fears. Maybe I, unfortunately, need repetition to get the point. Whatever the reason, it now held meaning.
Frowning foes could be anything. It could be temptation. It could be fear. Maybe it's a personal weakness or short coming. It could be trails. It could be an exterior problem, like a neighbor, or school or it can be something internal and personal. But through Christ's infinite atonement, he can change these foes to friends. Smiling friends.
What was once a burden can become a joy. A weakness can become a strength. Frowning foes can be changed to smiling friends. Good can come from bad.
Sometimes this change happens outside of us, the thing that is bothering us will change, but most often than not it will be internal. Which in my opinion is better. It won't be the world that will change but us. Instead of solving only one problem, we are given the ability to face many future problems and help others along their paths. In essence, this is repentance. To get a fresh view of yourself, of others, of God, and of the world.
Happy New Year!

P.S. I know this song is meaningful to many of you. If you have thoughts, comments, or stories, I would love to hear them.

Give the Best Gift

Just your friendly missionary reminder to share the gospel with at least one person before Christmas. This challenge was issued by Elder Ballard in his talk during our recent General Conference. Did you catch the promise he made? Pretty outstanding! Christmas time makes this very easy.
The church has made it easy. They've released a lot of mormon messages you can share, the 12 talks of Christmas, and there's always the cute pictures on Pinterest. My personal favorite is caroling.
It's so easy. You might get extreme anxiety attacks before pressing the "publish" button. That's normal. Think of what you are sharing! Salvation! Happiness! Answers! Truth!
This means the adversary will do what he can to prevent you from sharing. God has made it easy, but the adversary will make it hard. God rules over darkness. So how do you overcome the trials and excuses?
You can do what I did my first time. I shut my eyes and pushed the button. True story. This is after I came home, too. I was so nervous, I have no idea why. It was only a small scripture from the bible. Every possible negative scenario went through my head. The worse one was, what if nothing happens? For me, everyone not caring about my beliefs was worse than having people question it. Questions are good. Question leads to inquiry and conversation.
I'll tell you one of the secrets that helped me to step out in the mission. People automatically assume that because you're a missionary you have some magic power to talk to anyone and everyone. That's not true. It's a miracle, not magic. This miracle comes more like a gift or a reward. People are scary! Everything you learned about stranger danger had to be forgotten just like that. Everyone is a stranger. You're a stranger. You're companion is usually someone you just met. Not to mention everyone has already decided in their mind not to like you before they meet you. American? Missionary? Youth? Gross. Get out. You're crazy.

Photo Credit: missionary;me Mormonova Knjiga;Croatia
Photographer; Katie Higbee Photography

And we are.
Where there is great good there is great opposition. But do not despair! Never despair! EVER!!!!! Okay?
I remember reading my scriptures after a particularly difficult day. It was one of the gospels in the New Testament, so I probably read a few times, but this time it really hit home.
My mission's saying is "Skoći sa broda!" (said sk-O-chi sa br-O-dah) which means "Jump out the boat." This refers to the story of Peter and Jesus walking on  the water. I was reading this story (again) and one scripture stood out. It's as if it was talking to me. "Fear not. Only believe." 
When ever I started to think "What if they get mad? What if they don't like me? What if they won't listen? What if they beat me up? What if? What if? What if?" I would think to myself over and over "Only believe." It gave me strength. Just repeat it, over and over. Pray over and over. Only believe. It works.
The more I study the gospel, the more I want to share it. Do you have someone in mind? Maybe they just keep coming to your mind? Read your scriptures before sharing the gospel. Study something new. It will get you excited!
I'm reading The Infinite Atonement by Tad Callister. He was the only General Authority to speak while I was at the MTC. I love this book. I LOVE it. If you have not read it, I urge you to do so. Make time for it. It will change your life. I promise you.
The more I learn about the atonement, the more desperately I want to share it.
The gospel is an anomaly in this way. Went it comes to precious things, it is common sense you want to protect it, keep it out of harms way, and share it only with a special selected few. The gospel, however, is very precious. It's the most precious thing I have ever come upon in my life, by far. Yet, unlike most things, the more precious it becomes, the more I want to share it.
There's a seminary video I watched while I was in the field about a girl who receives a gift from her friend. It's a shirt or something cool like that. It comes time for the friend's birthday and the girl doesn't know what to give. So, as you would expect from a seminary video, she gives the gift of the Book of Mormon. In junior high or high school I probably would have rolled my eyes thinking "Like that would actually happen." You might be doing so right now. My eyes would have then rolled right back at the note she writes inside. (Note: I'm paraphrasing.)

"Since you are a special friend, I wanted to give you something very special. This book is the most precious thing I possess. It has helped me through hard times and times of joy. It's the greatest gift I could give."

Doesn't that just make sense? What better gift could you give this season?
You can read Pres. Eyering's thoughts on this matter here.
What's the best gift you've been given? How have you shared the gospel?
How can you not share the greatest thing you have? Only believe.
Love,
Aubrey

P.S.

Enjoy this gem.